Bad Breakup

SAVAGE LOVE
[03.25.10]
Q: The basics of my life: I'm male, straight, in my mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. I have begun the "it's not working for me anymore" conversation four times. But each time I do, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she'll tell people about my fantasies—one in particular.

AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I—on occasion—used mental images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her in real life—I was never attracted to her when she was physically present—and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want out of the relationship, but I am terrified of what would happen if she told people, especially my sister. How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?

Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?

A: I wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you are—Jesus, the shit I could get away with.

Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing—and you didn't—you're not the one in danger here. Here's what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer- operative sexual fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that look of stunned incredulity on your face and say, "I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?"

And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it's not uncommon for teenagers to fantasize about—and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize all over—their siblings. Sex seems scary and new, siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, early and inappropriate fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good sense to stuff 'em down the memory hole.

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Muffs Defined

MUFF
Contrary to popular believe, the word muff is not associated with hair at all. Instead, the word "muff" is an inoffensive, slang word for a vagina. Muffs can range from dainty and tight to floppy and roast beef colored. Some muffs smell fishy or sweaty, and others smell like skin or roses. Some muffs are hairy, others are bare, and some have razor burn or ingrown hairs. Females (and transexuals) of all ages have muffs. There are baby muffs and grandma muffs. Most muffs have a week of bleeding, unless the owner is on some sort of contraceptive (see: Depovera, Seasonal). It is also the root word for Muffdiver, Muffed, and Muffdoctor.

POON
1. Poonana is a little girls vagina, 0-13.
2. Poonani A teenagers vagina, 13-20.
3. Poontang a mature womans vagina (quite good), 20-35.
4. Poonono an old vagina often with large muff, 35-110.

POONTANG
The center of the universe. Part of a female's body located between her legs that is reason why all wars are ever fought. If you aren't getting it you want it, and if you are, it's never enough. Often times it used as the noun in sentence because, let's face it, often times us guys don't care what's all around the poontang as long as it is willing to provide us access to this magical land of wonder.
Let's go get us some poontang!

PUSSY
1. The prime motivating factor in any (straight) males life. Like oxygen, it's only important if you're not getting any. Lack thereof causing depression, anxiety, willingness to do any stupid stunt to get some, and a train of thought that focuses on little but the question of why you're the only one on the planet not getting any.

2. The box a dick comes in.

VAGINA
1. The vagina is a buggy, often catastrophically so, feature of the Female Edition of the Human Being version 1.0. After approximately 13 to 16 years of proper operation, the vagina becomes problematic and starts failing periodically (no pun intended) around once a month. This in turn leads to the corruption (often permanent) of the mental faculties of the host. Whenever this happens, the individual in question is commonly referred to as "a bitch."

2. Something I haven't gotten in a while.

3. My god damn favorite part of my body.
Whenever I get turned on a lot, it starts throbbing, possibly getting wet.
What feels best is to move your fingers quickly just inside of it, teasing her, then quickly shove your fingers in and move your fingers in a "petting" motion, making sure not to just sit there stabbing it, that doesn't feel too hot.

CUNT
For some reason this word really offends people, maybe because of the exceptionally crude sound of the word, or maybe because talking about the female genitalia is still considered unnaceptable. Either way, people cannot seem to comprehend that it is just a word, making it a great thing to say around tight ass pussies to piss them off.

[UrbanDictionary.com]

Gilles Marini

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