What Turns You On?

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Half Hookers

RACHEL UCHITEL IS NOT A MADAME
[EXCERPTS]
MEN like to hunt, and there is no need to hunt a prostitute. Men like to cheat without strings, and you can’t stop a civilian from falling in love. But Tiger Woods found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds in one type of woman, a Venn diagram of sexual satisfaction. Most of his mistresses lived in a nebulous in-between world. Not prostitutes, no, but just about halfway there. As surely as he has changed the game of golf, so too has Woods exposed the grazing ground of the halfway-hooker, and her natural habitat, the nightclub. [...]

THERE are still rich VIPs in the premium corners of clubs from New York to Miami to Las Vegas, being “introduced” to girls who are not Woods’s girls but who are exactly like most of Woods’s girls. In most cases, there is an exchange, gifts or help for sex—though with celebrities, what the girls receive is often just the privilege of being with a storied name. The Woods scandal has upset the rhythm of this world, upping the stakes and rattling the locals. But you can’t keep wealthy men and pretty girls apart for long. [...]

STEVE Lewis, the former director of Life and current club designer and keeper of the nightlife beat for BlackBook, says this is half-true. They are not exactly pimps and madams, but the VIP hosts know which girls are loose and will place their clients with them. They know which girls will keep quiet. Lewis and others say that VIP hosts will often fly girls they know to events like Sundance for their clients. “Sure, there are girls in Utah,” says Lewis, “but not girls they can trust.”

To be a girl who is trusted, you need a track record of having slept with famous men and not talked about it. [...]

THE floor people, they are just to fill the place up. The celebrities and the athletes and the tycoons are the ones for whom this world is zealously designed. [...]

INDEED, nearly every job at a club is about bringing people in. There are hipster promoters who only bring in hipsters and model promoters who only bring in models, and some promoters daylight as male models. “There are mosquitoes, rats, gnats, leeches, agents, and then you have promoters,” says Steve Lewis. “A promoter is a glorified pimp. But then, everyone’s a pimp.” Some promoters don’t even refer to models as models. Lewis will often get texts that say, “I’ll be rolling deep with about a dozen hookers.” [...]

BOTTLE girls, like VIP hosts, are expected to have client lists. Early in the evening, she will text her clients. I’m working tonight and my favorite D.J. is spinning. Come by! They come because she is pretty and she has flirted with them. Hey, baby. Hey, handsome. You lost weight. Sugar honey sexy baby handsome. They come because she’s someone whose backside they can palm, someone who will kiss them at 3 a.m. between tables. [...]

KIM was making between $1,000 and $3,000 a night in tips. “And that,” she says, “doesn’t include what’s going on behind the scenes.” She smiles, and it is not suggestive but matter-of-fact. “You’re making hooker money, right? So, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...” [...]

“IF you say you’re a bottle waitress, it’s better than saying you’re a stripper. But it’s the same thing as being a stripper,” she says. What she means by stripper is someone who is a touchable commodity. There is never money exchanged, but there are gifts the following week. Pairs of Louboutins, Louis Vuitton bags, trips. It’s not unusual for a bottle waitress to take two days off and fly to Vegas with a client. She won’t get fired for that, so long as when they return, the client will spend large at the club. [...]

“AT one point,” Kim says, “every single girl I knew was sleeping with a celebrity. It’s the access. Some of the girls definitely think, ‘He’s going to fly me to California and make me his wife!’ But then most of them are just like, ‘Guess who I just did in the bathroom?’ ” [...]

FOR Kim, the job eventually lost its glow. One night, she was taken off her shift as punishment for not selling enough bottles. The girls are expected to be sociable on their nights off, so she came to the club anyway as a patron with a big client in tow. When his friends left, the client began to grope her. They were kissing and she hated every second and she was being mashed into the couch and when she looked up at one point she saw her manager, watching them. Smiling like he’d forgiven her, he said, “I’m going to leave you kids alone.”

“I felt pimped,” she says.

Another time, at another club, Kim slapped a whale who reached his hand up her skirt and she got fired. Now she works behind a bar. She makes a lot less money. But nobody is touching her. “There’s a whole bar between me and the men now,” she says, and she draws the width with her hands. [...]

GIRLS like her are either dating older men with money or young and good-looking ones without. There is a stupendous symmetry to this. The rich old men want to be young and good-looking and the young ones want to be rich, but both are sleeping with the same girl. [...]

GARCIA says everyone is aware of how it works. “American girls, I take them out to a nice restaurant,” he says, “to the cool clubs, and they’re satisfied with that. That’s what they get out of it. American girls are looking at the kind of wine you order. But Russian girls, they’re after the serious shit. They want the Mercedes. Out at dinner, they’re plotting ahead. They’re calculating. They’re professional.” [...]

THE difference between hookers and half-hookers is that the former will ask for money straight away, and the latter will ask for gifts. They follow the money as the money follows the seasons along the worldwide circuit of bottle service. St. Barts in December, Miami in March, Las Vegas in May. In New York, half-hookers hang out at steak places like Del Frisco’s. Or the Friday-night parties at Le Cirque.

These kinds of girls, this is how you spot them. Garcia says, “You have to look at the discrepancy between her income and her lifestyle. These girls are going to St. Barts in May, Gstaad in winter. Their rent is three grand a month, and they don’t have a roommate. Dresses cost them $1,000, $2,000.” VIP hosts and bottle girls are half-pimps to these half-hookers, using them to keep their clients satiated. While some bottle girls will sleep with patrons, for the most part their interactions are limited to the confines of the club. Party girls are more like freelancers, and sex is their currency. [...]

“THERE is no nightly prostitution” for the half-hookers, says Garcia. “It’s a weekly thing, or a monthly thing. And when both sides have gotten what they want, they move on.” Unlike with true escorts and some bottle girls, these party girls won’t admit what they’re doing. This is because most of them can’t admit it to themselves. Some girls are looking for husbands. Rich ones, but yes, they are looking to settle down. [...]

[COMMENTS]
HOW these ladies of the night are regarded by their benefactors was most accurately described by Tiger Woods, referring to Joslyn James: "You are my f**king whore". For them to think of themselves as something else however, is not surprising.

What amazes is that both the men and women to these goings on come away, the morning after, as having scored some great victory. Particularly the Wall Street guys brag how they scored with some "gorgeous model" while the women revel at having been the chosen one among all her friends. Neither wants to admit it was nothing more than a transaction. Celebs differ from the Wall Streeters in that they believe they are somehow "owed" the female attention and inevitable sex and that they are simply fulfilling the desires of these half-drunk, half ho's.

Guess its not who you are but who you think you are. Everyone already knows what you are.

-*-

THESE kinds of articles are primarily a diversion from the real issue. All of the men that get involved with them are MARRIED. Most, if not all of the women, are not. The MARRIED men have taken wedding vows and have made a promise of faithfulness to their wives til death do them part. It's supposed to be a mutual trust between a husband and a wife, a trust like no other. All of these MARRIED men have broken their promise and betrayed the trust of their wives.

But with articles like this one, too many of you are easily fooled into thinking it's the fault of "these kinds of women", be they half prostitutes, whole, interns or otherwise. It's just a diversion from the real issue; that these MARRIED men cheated on their wives because they WANTED to, of their own free will and choice. If MARRIED men didn't cheat on their wives, these kinds of women would be out of business.

-*-

CALL it what you will, if it walks, talks and functions like a madame then that is what she is. All the creative titles and slants will not change that fact. VIP Hostess can now be called ... Lifestyle Procurer, Entertainment Engineer. They know the truth and so do we, so let's not kid ourselves. And no amount of creative exchange of money for sexual pleasure - direct or indirect - can fool anyone.

Bad Breakup

SAVAGE LOVE
[03.25.10]
Q: The basics of my life: I'm male, straight, in my mid-20s; I have a twin sister and have been with my girlfriend for three years. I want to break up with my girlfriend for a variety of reasons. I have begun the "it's not working for me anymore" conversation four times. But each time I do, she brings up different sexual fantasies I have confided in her during our relationship. I believe the implication is that if I break up with her, she'll tell people about my fantasies—one in particular.

AND THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

The fantasy I am most worried about her revealing is incestuous in nature. When I was about 15, I—on occasion—used mental images of my sister to get off. I never had any romantic or sexual feelings toward her in real life—I was never attracted to her when she was physically present—and once I started sleeping with real girls, my fantasies about my sister ceased. One time, my girlfriend and I got stoned and discussed our most outrageous sexual fantasies; our relationship was different then, more trusting, and I told her about this stuff. I want out of the relationship, but I am terrified of what would happen if she told people, especially my sister. How can I exit this relationship, and how can I contain the damage if she decides to tell people my secret? And is it fucked up that I used to masturbate to thoughts about my twin?

Freaking Fucked Or Fucking Freak?

A: I wish my boyfriend were as easy to manipulate as you are—Jesus, the shit I could get away with.

Anyway, dumbfuck, unless you put your most outrageous sexual fantasies in writing—and you didn't—you're not the one in danger here. Here's what you do: Spend a week in front of a mirror perfecting a look of stunned incredulity, and then go break things off with your girlfriend. Make sure the actual split is big and messy and public. If she attempts to retaliate by telling people about your no-longer- operative sexual fantasies, FFOFF, you slap that look of stunned incredulity on your face and say, "I knew we had a bad breakup, but, my God, what kind of sick piece of shit makes up something like that?"

And yeah, FFOFF, masturbating to thoughts of a sibling is a little fucked-up. But it's not uncommon for teenagers to fantasize about—and, in some disturbing instances, to actualize all over—their siblings. Sex seems scary and new, siblings seem safe and familiar. For most people, early and inappropriate fantasies quickly subside, as they did for you, and most people have the good sense to stuff 'em down the memory hole.

TOP TEN BREAKUPS FROM HELL

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Muffs Defined

MUFF
Contrary to popular believe, the word muff is not associated with hair at all. Instead, the word "muff" is an inoffensive, slang word for a vagina. Muffs can range from dainty and tight to floppy and roast beef colored. Some muffs smell fishy or sweaty, and others smell like skin or roses. Some muffs are hairy, others are bare, and some have razor burn or ingrown hairs. Females (and transexuals) of all ages have muffs. There are baby muffs and grandma muffs. Most muffs have a week of bleeding, unless the owner is on some sort of contraceptive (see: Depovera, Seasonal). It is also the root word for Muffdiver, Muffed, and Muffdoctor.

POON
1. Poonana is a little girls vagina, 0-13.
2. Poonani A teenagers vagina, 13-20.
3. Poontang a mature womans vagina (quite good), 20-35.
4. Poonono an old vagina often with large muff, 35-110.

POONTANG
The center of the universe. Part of a female's body located between her legs that is reason why all wars are ever fought. If you aren't getting it you want it, and if you are, it's never enough. Often times it used as the noun in sentence because, let's face it, often times us guys don't care what's all around the poontang as long as it is willing to provide us access to this magical land of wonder.
Let's go get us some poontang!

PUSSY
1. The prime motivating factor in any (straight) males life. Like oxygen, it's only important if you're not getting any. Lack thereof causing depression, anxiety, willingness to do any stupid stunt to get some, and a train of thought that focuses on little but the question of why you're the only one on the planet not getting any.

2. The box a dick comes in.

VAGINA
1. The vagina is a buggy, often catastrophically so, feature of the Female Edition of the Human Being version 1.0. After approximately 13 to 16 years of proper operation, the vagina becomes problematic and starts failing periodically (no pun intended) around once a month. This in turn leads to the corruption (often permanent) of the mental faculties of the host. Whenever this happens, the individual in question is commonly referred to as "a bitch."

2. Something I haven't gotten in a while.

3. My god damn favorite part of my body.
Whenever I get turned on a lot, it starts throbbing, possibly getting wet.
What feels best is to move your fingers quickly just inside of it, teasing her, then quickly shove your fingers in and move your fingers in a "petting" motion, making sure not to just sit there stabbing it, that doesn't feel too hot.

CUNT
For some reason this word really offends people, maybe because of the exceptionally crude sound of the word, or maybe because talking about the female genitalia is still considered unnaceptable. Either way, people cannot seem to comprehend that it is just a word, making it a great thing to say around tight ass pussies to piss them off.

[UrbanDictionary.com]