Will Arnett & Amy PoehlerFOR THE WOMEN:
Here are a few things I would avoid if I were a lady trying to impress a guy:
1. Don't complain all the time about how mean the other girls are at work.
2. Don't eat your date's fries while at the same time declaring you don't or can't eat fries.
3. Don't start a monologue on your cousin from Midland, Michigan or your favorite nail polish or that wonderful Cosmo article about 'How to Please a Man'.
4. Don't try to say the name of your perfume in French if you don't actually speak French. (The 'l' at the end of 'Chanel' does not sound like the 'l' at the end of 'channel'.)
5. When I say, 'your dress looks great on you!', do not interpret this as meaning that I keep looking at your cleavage or your butt.
6. If I do not keep looking at your cleavage or your butt, do not interpret this as lack of attraction to you, or as a symptom of homosexuality. I may simply be a gentleman.
7. If I ever mention sex at all, do not go on defensive mode. Just go on talking as if it were a possible conversation topic; or, if you'd rather not talk about it, change the topic, but please do it gracefully; 'men are all pigs!' or 'men think only about one thing!' is not a good way to achieve that.
Here's a rule: Don't espouse antisemtic politics during sex. I had a date with a 'woman' in LA once. We met through mutual friends (no longer friends). We ended up back at her apartment and in the middle of sex, she starts talking about how glad she was I wasn't a Jew (but I am). She actually said 'Hitler had it right.' Even as disgusting as that was, why, oh why, would someone even bring something like that up at that moment? Is getting screwed by a Nazi her fantasy? Let's just say the moment lost it's magic.
(ffffound.com)FOR THE MEN:
Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
Don't tell me how many girls you fucked on your job as night manager at a hotel.
Do not ask a table full of my friends if you can be the "stuntcock" later in the evening.
Don't ask me what kind of "kinky shit" I'm into before we've gotten to appetizers. Skeevy.
Don't ever begin any sentence with, "Can I tell you something/ask you something and you won't get offended?"
Do not tell me that your ex has a restraining order against you. On the second date.
Well, okay, tell me, so I can get the hell away ASAP.
Don't avoid giving me anything but your cell phone number. I will get suspicious from that alone.
Do not tell me, within five minutes of meeting me at a party, that you get 4 times as large when aroused.
Don't pull out your IPhone and show me pictures of positions you want to try.
Do not put on porn within the second date or meeting as if its no big deal and we have no prior discussion of the topic and say, 'So, you like that?'
Don't say, "I know women like it when men are forward. I want to take you home and fuck you." when I'm obviously not interested.
Do not tell me that you share a bed with your ex-girlfriend, whom you live with, and that your current girlfriend doesn't know.
On the first date, don't get drunk, tell me you think I'd make a great dominatrix, and then, when I change the subject, start addressing me as "Mistress."
Also, please don't spend the entire night avoiding eye contact or (even worse) looking over my shoulder and then think you're going to get some. You're not. Not even close.
Do not buy me a drink if I have declined the offer and then get angry when I refuse to drink it.
Don't tell me that you have a photo album filled with ziploc baggies of your ex girlfriends' panties.
The appropriate time to "reveal" your girlfriend is, well, before we even get to a point where there is any possibility of our fucking.
Don't tell me I look like/remind you of your mother.
Don't say "you would be stunning if you toned that body up."
Do not refuse to take me to a certain restaurant for my birthday because you don't have a 2 for 1 coupon for it in your Entertainment coupon book.
Do not start reading the newspaper during the first date.
Do not ask me to tell you about my "hot lesbian encounters" when you find out I went to a women's college.
Don't tell me I sound like your mother right before you (attempt to) kiss me.
Do not wait for the check to come to announce you have to go to the ATM.
Do not offer to play me the song you wrote for an ex-girlfriend.
Dont tell me you know this great little Italian place and then take me to the Olive Garden!!! (three blocks from Little Italy in nyc no less).
Don't email me telling me you are ready for our date tonite with your "man-parts a-throbbin''.
Don't say you like that I'm under 5 feet because you want me to "feel dependent on your strength." Check please!
Don't tell me that you have been enjoying looking at me from across the bar for the last half-hour, it just makes you look CREEPY.
Don't spend days talking to me and wooing me before our date and then send me an email the next day telling me you are legally married (but separated) and should be breaking up with your girlfriend soon, and you think we can definitely make something work.
Do not ask if you can lick my armpits.
When your friends are ready to leave, do not obviously gesture to me and say, "I'm working on something here!"
If I do end up fucking you, don't tell me, "I don't want to kiss you, it's too intimate."
When we decide to go our separate ways, don't tell me "There were times when I cared about you."
Oh, well. I once had a guy tell me that I was his "perfect type" and that he could prove it because he designed his own blowup doll, and 'she' looked just like me. Then, after letting him down as gently as I could, he comes up to me with his friend's iPhone and shows me the doll's picture on his private flickr account.
Don't think you're so irresistable that I won't notice or care if you don't call when you said you would.
When I come back from using the bathroom don't be laying on my couch with your penis out of your fly. That is neither sexy nor hot. I now just want you to leave.
If I am sitting on your floor, watching a movie on our first date, do NOT suddenly shove your erect member in my face, then later smugly claim you were just "testing" to see if I was a "slut" and I "passed", so would I like to go out again?
Don't ask me if you can put it in my ass the first time we sleep together and when I decline, ask me to leave mid-coitus because that is a deal breaker.
Do not get so drunk off of TWO drinks that your friend has to come get you and leave me with the tab.
"You have wonderful childbearing hips" is not an opening line.
Don't debate with your friend whether you would let me fuck you or just give you a blow job and then try and get my number. Guess what? I heard you and neither is gonna happen.
Don't constantly question me about whether I'm being honest with you, when I am, especially when you still have an active online dating profile after proudly telling me we should be exclusive.
Don't stealth-brag about the famous person to whom you lost your virginity. I'm not impressed and I doubt she remembers, if your current performance is anything to go by.
Do not bring red roses to a woman on the first date. This is not an adorably romantic gesture. This is creepy as all hell.
Do not attempt to impress me by speaking Spanish to a waitress, if you don't actually speak Spanish.
Do not call out, as you watch my ass while I walk to the washroom, "You know, you're not really that fat. You're, like, thick at best."
When I say, "Hey, you know, my friends will make sure I get home OK, so you can feel free to go," do not interpret this as an invitation to stay.
